Weekly bites on love, romance, limerence, breaking up and keeping it all together.
In the aftermath of limerence, there is the void — the empty space where you are caught in the in between of the fantasy (of who you thought or imagined the person to be or your relationship) and the reality. You will find yourself grieving not only the fantasy parts of the limerence and your LO (love object), but all of the POSSIBILITIES and the HOPE.
You may go through all of the stages of grief and loss
Read MoreImagine a Big Triangle.
The Self Esteem Triangle often goes like this: you are at the mid left of the triangle, you are doing okay, even well, and slowly starting to make your way up to the top point of the triangle.
Once you are near the top (which is actually just healthy self-esteem) it feels kinda shaky, and then something ever so slight can knock you down so you are now sliding down the right side of the triangle and then hanging out down at the bottom again until you work your way back up, again, over and over.
Read MoreYou wish you could just make him see what he lost. You fantasize about getting him back, him calling or texting to reconnect. He’ll once again shower you with attention and you’ll go on the travels and adventures you always talked about. The thoughts are often uncontrollable now and you give in to them because it’s the only thing left to hold onto. All of the excitement comes rushing back as you imagine laying together on the beach, holding hands as you explore new cities together, talking and talking into the early hours of the morning. Even just imagining lazy days in bed with nowhere to go fills you with a kind of hope that gives you something that feels important, meaningful, something to live for?
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It can be subtle at first. You start bending back. Their needs, not yours.
As long as they are happy, it’s all good.
As long as things are calm, no conflict, that’s what matters.
There’s a fear that drives the need to put them first, but not even clear what that is?
Walking on eggshells. Which shoe will drop?
(What if shoes weren’t even involved?!)
When you’re afraid of losing a partner, when your fear of abandonment surfaces, you try all the tricks you learned as a child.
“As long as I can make them happy, everything will be okay”
“If I’m go with the flow and adaptable, they won’t leave me.”
“If I’m the perfect (wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc.) they can never leave me.”
In the process of trying to protect yourself from being abandoned, you lose a vital part of yourself. Your authentic self.
You quiet and stamp out your own needs, as if they don’t matter.
(but get resentful and unhappy later)
When you lose yourself in a relationship to try to please a partner in order to not be abandoned, you’re doing a deal with the devil.
You’re not being authentic.
You’re not being honest.
You’re depriving yourself of what you really need.
(no, those needs don’t just disappear, and yes, they matter)
If you grew up where this was your MO, how you operated, what was needed in order to survive, your “normal,” you will attract a partner who is difficult to please and you will subvert your needs to placate theirs.
You may attract narcissists.
Or you may be attracted to unavailable partners who can’t give you what you need and you feel you need to fight for their love and attention. You subvert your needs in order to please them first in an attempt not to be left alone or abandoned.
As a result, you can feel like you lost a vital part of yourself. You can feel confused, angry and powerless.
What if this wasn’t the only way to react or operate in a relationship?
What if there were vast possibilities that you could harness (and also get your needs met)?
What if you could attract and communicate with a partner from a place of strength and authenticity (not fear)?
What if you could get your power back?
Coaching With Me You Can: Understand your attachment style and inner child wounding and begin to heal in your relationships.
Attract a partner who is good for you, not someone who activates what you fear.
You can get a new perspective on your patterns and fears. Add new tools to help make your relationship more successful and more satisfying. Break out of your old patterns of reacting from fear that are no longer helping you. You can contact me for a discounted 30 minute session HERE.
I look forward to talking!
Coach Steph
Sometimes the people we choose as lovers are not meant to be long term, committed partners. It’s futile to keep beating yourself up if the transition never happens. Don’t blame yourself for the difficulty that may occur if you try and it’s not working out. What makes it even more confusing and difficult is that intense sexual and physical bonding with a lover triggers our emotional attachment system. After physical intimacy that feels amazing, connected and deeply satisfying, we can naturally desire to keep our lover close. This is a sign of your attachment system working to try to create a securely attached bond - which is totally normal!
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Copyright © Steph Lazzara // Coaching - Brooklyn, NY
