Why Some Relationships Will Never Transition Into Long Term Commitment

I had a pattern: over and over, I wanted to turn my commitment reluctant lovers into a long term committed partners. This turned out to be a losing battle time and time again.

Then there was the big question in my mind. Was it even possible for me to have desire, passion and lots of sexual spark and attraction within a more stable long term relationship with reliability, loyalty and security? My past had told me that finding the right partner that embodied both aspects felt near impossible - or so I imagined.

It seemed stability, commitment and reliability led to a lack of the passion and desire that I needed. So I embarked upon a mission to try to turn my emotionally unavailable lovers into committed relationship partners to get all of the needs met: stability, commitment and long term passion and sexual bliss. How did it work out? Not so well.

It wasn’t until I figured out how I was sabotaging my chances of healthy and fulfilling love and did the necessary inner healing work related to my attachment style and inner critical parent that my relationships and relationship choices changed for the better.

All of my life, I had been letting my anxious attachment style lead me to try to form committed, secure bonds with lovers who had an avoidant attachment style or a mix of avoidant and anxious. Each relationship ending left me feeling stranded and abandoned when I felt the natural progression to more commitment and they did not.

Sometimes the people we choose as lovers are not meant to be long term, committed partners. And it’s futile to keep beating yourself up if the transition never happens. Don’t blame yourself for the difficulty that may occur if you try and it’s not working out. What makes it even more confusing and difficult is that intense sexual and physical bonding with a lover triggers your emotional attachment system. After physical intimacy that feels amazing, connected and deeply satisfying, you naturally desire to keep your person close. This is a sign of your attachment system working to try to create a securely attached bond - which is totally normal!

Your Attachment Style Matters

It’s natural to crave more intimacy, connection and sharing and then over time, for the bond to become something more long term and committed. While it is true that the point where a person is at in their lives (career, personal development, financially) might make them more reluctant or unable to commit, a lot of times the lovers we choose also have an avoidant attachment style or are emotionally unavailable. These are signs that they have trouble attaching securely. If your partner walls up, won’t communicate, disappears, leads you on with words (no actions), engages in gaslighting, is hot/cold or behaves emotionally distant and detached, this will activate your attachment system. You will probably become very reactive to this behavior: acting out from a younger, wounded part of yourself. If you are anxiously attached, their closed-off behavior can make you want to connect with them and get them to commit to you even more fiercely. You can start to feel “needy” or desperate for their attention and validation, heartbroken and not “enough” until you break this pattern of attraction. (Ps. Having universal human needs for mutual care, love respect and attention does not make you needy!)

Why Can’t I Let Go Of This Person? Why Do I Keep Choosing the Same Kind of Person?

Even if you get to a point where you know the relationship or partner can’t give you what you need to feel happy, secure (and passionate), you keep trying anyway and have a hard time letting go. If you are finding out that you have an anxious attachment style, letting go of a relationship, even if it is not working, can be excruciating. Your attachment system will get activated at any sign of attachment disruption and put you on high alert for abandonment. Your fear of being alone and unsafe kicks in and you can have physical symptoms of panic, despair and unease that may interfere with your daily activities. You may be okay for a day or two but then feel like you physically can’t live without the person and feel on edge and overwhelmed with anxiety until you restore communication or the bond.

The separation you experience (no communication, lack of contact - physical or emotional) quickly triggers your attachment system and tells you that you are in danger! Suddenly your body and brain are telling you to find your lost object of attachment in order to restore safety and equilibrium - it feels like no one but that one particular person can relieve the pain and suffering of the separation. While this may have been true when you were very young and relied on an adult for your survival, unfortunately, we can carry these wounds into our current relationships as adults.

Feeling Like Home

The bond with your partner can feel very familiar: as in, remind you of home or family. If you come from a family where dysfunction was present (that is most of us!) you can play out that dysfunction again and again in who you seek out as partners - or being “magnetically attracted” to partners who feel like “home” or familiar in a way you can’t seem to explain. Being that they feel like “home,” this makes it even harder and harder to let go of that person!

The Wildcard

The passion and sexual chemistry you feel with these partners can be due to the fact that the relationship does not have the necessary ingredients that make for a good long term future together. For instance, a lack of reliability and stability can add an exciting edge and anxiety that for some people can cause an electric sexual spark and ignite passion. If you’re someone who is magnetically drawn to the “bad boy” or “bad girl” personas who avoid committing, these partners can be exciting and bring adventure into your life, but wedding vows and moving in together may never be in the cards. Ultimately, their wanderlust or their bigger issues with commitment and attaching securely with others will always become a bigger problem.

You’re Magnetically Drawn to the Chase or Challenge

The challenge of “winning” someone who may be commitment adverse or avoidantly attached into a long term partner can be appealing. Your subconscious may be pulled to be with someone who is commitment adverse. You may see a hard to pin down partner as an opportunity to “win” someone who seems unattainable. This can also signal you’re attempting a do-over to heal past hurts where you felt like you had to fight to be loved or chase after love for it to be real and worth it.

Are you trying to convince or cajole a commitment resistant partner to commit? 

Are you feel worn down, drained by having different relationship expectations and desires for commitment but don’t know which way to go and breaking up feels too painful?

I can help! You can try out a sample coaching session HERE - no strings attached. This is a great way to see how coaching works and how it would feel to work with me. All coaches have different styles. In the end, my hope is to help you get clarity on an issue you are struggling with, give you concrete tools to feel better in your relationship and feel more confident in yourself and your decisions.

With love,

Coach Steph