The Anxiety of Being in Love With Someone Who is Emotionally Distant
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The Anxiety of Being with a Distant Partner
There’s a pit in your stomach that doesn’t seem to go away.
You’re always exhausted, but sleep doesn’t help and insomnia is your norm.
You try to do things to distract the feelings: watch movies, go out, exercise voraciously, take long walks, immerse yourself in work and working late, but you’re always aware of that sinking feeling of worry and quiet despair brewing.
Your throat and chest feel tight.
Your body feels heavy with the weight of worry. A sadness that leads to emptiness. A longing for more.
You get used to your stomach hurting, in knots, a clamping down.
You’re keenly aware of your phone, keeping it close at all times, waiting for a message, on alert for the vibrate feeling in your pocket or the comforting ding sound. Anything. Just to feel calm again. That everything is alright. To know that you avoided disaster. To feel: I’m still wanted.
Long periods (even just hours) of no communication or waiting for a reply send you into a worry spiral where you try to calm yourself down but feel constantly on edge and distracted anyway. The joy slowly drains from life.
The feeling starts to move inward.
The Self-blame, Self-hate cycles.
A self-generated and self-directed anger towards the Fatal Flaw.
The searching for how you can be better, do better, be perfect.
More attractive?
Smarter?
Less “needy”?
More carefree and cool?
A harsh voice from inside tells you with definity and some authority that you can never be these things and you must have a defect or a deficit that makes you unlovable. That you’re not worth calling or texting back or of someone having your back, holding you when you need to be held. Someone not worthy of staying for.
“See,” the harsh voice says: “This is proof you’re not enough.”
Not good enough. Unlovable.
Your confidence and self-esteem sinks every day like rocks at the bottom of a lake.
Darkness descends and you hardly remember who you were before this.
You think: “Was there even a before?”
You ask yourself, you pray.
How did I even get here?
Can I find my way out?
The times when you’re alone feel fraught. Even if you feel angry, you avoid any conflict that might lead you to being without them or to another dreaded pulling away. The thought of leaving or a separation triggers an intense fear of abandonment that sends your physical body into a panic so big it feels unbearable. Even if you’re already only getting crumbs.
Can’t eat.
Can’t sleep.
Staying like this feels unbearable but the alternative feels even worse.
So, the cycle begins again….
Do you know this cycle of anxiety being with an emotionally distant or avoidant partner all too well?
There’s a way off the rollercoaster:
Understanding that your needs and feelings matter - and that your needs for connection, reliability, stability and reliance on someone emotionally are not “needy” or “too much.”
You deserve to feel cared for, with someone who is attuned to your needs and wants to help meet them as a form of care, interest in your wellbeing and love. Someone who doesn’t run away at signs of any difficult feelings within themselves or you, or any signs of conflict. Someone who is responsive to your attempts at communication, can communicate appropriately and doesn’t disappear randomly without warning to then later reappear expecting you to be fine with this erratic and unacceptable behavior.
Your emotionally distant / avoidant partner has likely been taking up all of your headspace and heartspace while you try to comprehend and piece together their episodes of walling off, shutting down, disappearing acts, reappearing acts - their unreliable behavior and actions not meeting words. There can be many reasons why someone is chronically emotionally distant or avoidant and not able to be securely attached in a relationship. It’s time to stop the cycling thoughts and trying to figure out why he/she/they do what they do and place the focus back on you and what you need. Your feelings and needs are important!
This is just the beginning. I can help you learn the tools and strategies you need to get off the anxious/avoidant emotional rollercoaster so you can feel more calm, supported, empowered, creative, well rested, less anxious, more productive, joyful, engaged fully with others….happy again!
When you’re ready, the understanding and tools to help you feel more calm, stable and strong are waiting for you to step into. You can schedule a discounted sample session on my calendar via the link below to get started. Sending big love.
xo Coach Steph
