Weekly bites on love, romance, limerence, breaking up and keeping it all together.
In the aftermath of limerence, there is the void — the empty space where you are caught in the in between of the fantasy (of who you thought or imagined the person to be or your relationship) and the reality. You will find yourself grieving not only the fantasy parts of the limerence and your LO (love object), but all of the POSSIBILITIES and the HOPE.
You may go through all of the stages of grief and loss
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It can be subtle at first. You start bending back. Their needs, not yours.
As long as they are happy, it’s all good.
As long as things are calm, no conflict, that’s what matters.
There’s a fear that drives the need to put them first, but not even clear what that is?
Walking on eggshells. Which shoe will drop?
(What if shoes weren’t even involved?!)
When you’re afraid of losing a partner, when your fear of abandonment surfaces, you try all the tricks you learned as a child.
“As long as I can make them happy, everything will be okay”
“If I’m go with the flow and adaptable, they won’t leave me.”
“If I’m the perfect (wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc.) they can never leave me.”
In the process of trying to protect yourself from being abandoned, you lose a vital part of yourself. Your authentic self.
You quiet and stamp out your own needs, as if they don’t matter.
(but get resentful and unhappy later)
When you lose yourself in a relationship to try to please a partner in order to not be abandoned, you’re doing a deal with the devil.
You’re not being authentic.
You’re not being honest.
You’re depriving yourself of what you really need.
(no, those needs don’t just disappear, and yes, they matter)
If you grew up where this was your MO, how you operated, what was needed in order to survive, your “normal,” you will attract a partner who is difficult to please and you will subvert your needs to placate theirs.
You may attract narcissists.
Or you may be attracted to unavailable partners who can’t give you what you need and you feel you need to fight for their love and attention. You subvert your needs in order to please them first in an attempt not to be left alone or abandoned.
As a result, you can feel like you lost a vital part of yourself. You can feel confused, angry and powerless.
What if this wasn’t the only way to react or operate in a relationship?
What if there were vast possibilities that you could harness (and also get your needs met)?
What if you could attract and communicate with a partner from a place of strength and authenticity (not fear)?
What if you could get your power back?
Coaching With Me You Can: Understand your attachment style and inner child wounding and begin to heal in your relationships.
Attract a partner who is good for you, not someone who activates what you fear.
You can get a new perspective on your patterns and fears. Add new tools to help make your relationship more successful and more satisfying. Break out of your old patterns of reacting from fear that are no longer helping you. You can contact me for a discounted 30 minute session HERE.
I look forward to talking!
Coach Steph
There’s a pit in your stomach that doesn’t seem to go away.
You’re always exhausted, but sleep doesn’t help and insomnia is your norm.
You try to do things to distract the feelings: watch movies, go out, exercise voraciously, take long walks, immerse yourself in work and working late, but you’re always aware of that sinking feeling of worry and quiet despair brewing.
Your throat and chest feel tight.
Your body feels heavy with the weight of worry.
You get used to your stomach hurting, in knots, a clamping down.
You are keenly aware of your phone, keeping it close at all times, waiting for a message, on alert for the vibrate feeling in your pocket or the comforting ding sound. Anything. Just to feel calm again. That everything is alright. To know that you avoided disaster. To feel: I’m still wanted.
Read MoreIn reciprocated, mutualing-falling-in-love love stories, the Hope, Fantasy and Anticipation trifecta create the exciting beginning stage or “honeymoon” phase. But what if there are obstacles? What if the one you love isn’t available, or worse, you’re not sure if they feel the same way? Falling in love is a natural progression and a natural state of being, but….
Love doesn’t really seem to care if you’re already married or committed…Or if the one you love is. Or if they give you mixed signals….
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Copyright © Steph Lazzara // Coaching - Brooklyn, NY
