Why Dating Is Harder When You Have An Anxious Attachment Style And What You Can do About It

Is dating feeling like a rollercoaster of emotions and constant anxiety rather than about the fun of meeting new people?

Do you go on dates, get really excited about the person you just met, only to be filled with doubt, preoccupied about getting a call back and battling the fear you will be rejected?

Do you constantly wonder how you can keep someone’s interest or ways that you can change yourself to make yourself more attractive to someone to get their full attention and love?

If so, you most likely have an Anxious Attachment style. Dating with an Anxious Attachment style means that you become extremely preoccupied and worried when you start to have feelings for someone.

• All of your energy goes into making sure that the person you’re dating has feelings in return and seeking reassurance. As soon as his or her attention or communication dips, your anxiety and worry goes up.

• You may try to act aloof, cool and easy going when inside you’re feeling the exact opposite, but afraid that expressing your real feelings will push the other person away.

• Your critical inner voice can get louder as you turn inwards and you begin to blame yourself and look for all of your shortcomings or defects.

• You can alternate between depression and anxiety and then both at the same time.

• It can become too hard to focus on other things in your life like work, your kids or making important changes in your life.

No matter what age you are, if you’re dating and have an anxious attachment style, you might not know how to manage what you go through when you start to fall in love or are in a relationship that triggers your anxiety. It’s also very common if you are anxious in love to be attracted to Avoidant partners who will amp up your anxiety in a relationship. People who have an Avoidant Attachment style and those with Anxious Attachment are magnets to each other. You might not even realize that you have an Anxious Attachment style until you are in a relationship with or fall hard for someone who is Avoidant!

The good news is that you can learn to manage your emotions and reactions and learn to coach yourself while you are dating so that you are able to find a more Secure relationship and partner who will be able to better help you through any relationship anxiety. This way, you’ll be able to move towards also becoming more secure and having a mutually fulfilling relationship.

Step One: Avoiding Avoidant Partners.

When you are dating, take your time. As you much as you may like or be attracted to someone new, hold off on physical intimacy and try to learn more and more about a new person. Why this is important: by the time you are already in a physical relationship with someone, you will more than likely be attached to this person and brush off any red flags of avoidant behavior. Trust takes time to develop. Let the relationship unfold and the person to show you who they really are, as you do the same. All the while, be on the lookout for red flags a potential partner has signs of being Avoidant.

• Does he or she returns calls and texts in a reasonable amount of time or keep you hanging?

• Does this person get your hopes up then cancel or backpedal on what he or she said?

• Did he or she start off passionately hot and then cool down quickly?

• Is he or she sensitive to your emotions and requests or brush them off like it’s not important or minimize what you need?

• Does he or she follow through on what they say with action or is it all talk?

• Is this person consistent or on and off with communication and affection?

• Are your needs for physical closeness met or does this person prefer more distance that keeps you longing for more or feeling sad?

• Is this person able to articulate feelings and communicate effectively (not avoiding talking about an issue, listens, doesn’t suddenly blow up)?

• Does this person shy away from openly showing they care and remain ambiguous about where you stand as a couple or in dating?

• Are there any substance abuse red flags or unresolved trauma that may be getting in the way of intimacy?

Remember that a Secure partner is someone who will be sensitive and attentive to your needs, show you care and respect and never leave you hanging or unsure of where you stand. They will want you and be attracted to you being YOU, not some phantom other. They will be able to communicate with you without ambiguity, confusion or avoidance and can talk about difficult issues and feelings. He or she won’t give you lots of attention, then pull away for days and disappear with no explanation.

You’re not needy, weak or defective for craving and needing emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, consistency, care and effective communication in a relationship. You’re not asking for too much to need or want commitment and someone who is on equal ground, and reciprocates feelings without feeling like you are drawing blood from a stone. You don’t need to change who you are, but you can choose smarter be more aware going in who you are choosing. You can learn to better manage your intense reactions when you are feeling anxious in love.

I offer one-to-one coaching support to help you move on from a painful relationship with an Avoidant partner or pattern of avoidant partners. Become more secure in relationships, attract the right partner and get the relationship you deserve!

Contact me for a 30 Minute Session Below!