Getting Closure - You Can Stop Blaming Yourself For a Relationship Ending

Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. — Self forgiveness can be the hardest forgiveness of all.

It’s time. You’ve beaten yourself up long enough. Your fault, their fault, someone is always to blame. What if there was a kinder, gentler way to get to a place of closure on a tough relationship ending?

First, the feelings. The guilt. The shame of things ending. The relentless, painful thought loop of what went wrong and how it could have been prevented. Trying to go backward to go forward, but getting caught in the past only brings back the hurt, sleepless nights and preoccupied days filled with an unshakable sadness.

Shedding these feelings-layers takes time. It involves slowly taking off the self-protective armour against the pain of the past in order to be in the present moment. The here and now is where you can access the parts of yourself that still contain hope, joy, potential and love.

Here are 3 Ways to Move Towards Self Forgiveness and Closure:

No Matter What, You’ve Grown from the Relationship
What are the lessons you learned from this relationship? What are the parts you want to keep? These will be the important pieces to identify that will help you move into your next relationship or phase of life with more self awareness and softness rather than staying behind a wall of self protection. You’ve grown, things may have been hard and you may feel shattered, but there is still a vital part of yourself that needs to be acknowledged for getting through this and taking in the specific lessons you learned. Take moment to write down what comes up here.
Is there a part of you that almost wants to stay in the sadness and grief/guilt or rumination on the past?
Sometimes this can signal that you’re not yet ready to move on, and that’s quite alright. There’s no rush. Staying in the sadness, grief and ”what ifs” can be your protective armour against any new relationship, connection or possible vulnerability. When you’ve finally had enough of being in this state, it may feel like being stuck in this place no longer feels tolerable. You may feel irritable and restless and wanting more. This is a good signal that you are ready for change and new movement in your life. Look for the cracks - where is a new connection possible again? What if you let this happen ever so slowly?
Loose-end Endings Are Okay
It’s rare to be able to sit down and rationally go through an ending with a partner and then tie it all up with a bow and move on. There are always the missing pieces, the questions that won’t get answered and the feelings that linger. Ambiguity can either drive you crazy or you can lean into it, knowing that there are just some things you won’t get the simple answers to. If you find yourself turning it backwards and inward to blame yourself again, gently bring yourself back to this moment. Follow your breath. Take a walk and feel the air on your skin, count the ways you can take in your environment with all of your senses to bring you back to the present.