The Most Misunderstood Form of Love: Limerence
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The Most Misunderstood Form of Love: Limerence
I always knew I fell in love hard, but it wasn’t until limerence hit me that I knew something was different. When I started my quest to figure out what was happening to me, I could barely find any information. Obsessive love kept popping up on web searches, but there was a creepy vibe to that term that just seemed off - with the feeling of an inevitable diagnosis of crazy. I knew I wasn’t crazy, but I was definitely crazy in love… With the wrong person, at the wrong time. Who may or may not have felt the same way. Or couldn’t….The roller coaster ride of limerence is intoxicating, overwhelming and all consuming.
When I finally found the term Limerence, I felt relieved that there was a real word to describe how I was feeling and which also strived not to pathologize it. But I was also confused. Why hadn’t I heard of this word before and what exactly was it? I have been able to find more and more articles written recently about limerence, but few are accurate and often have misconceptions about limerence. There are many nuances involved in the experience of limerence and if you haven’t experienced it firsthand, it can seem alien. If you’re curious, you can read my post that describes the three stages of limerence from lived experience HERE.
If you’re just coming to find the term Limerence now, or looking to gather as much information as you can on this confusing and misunderstood state, I hope you can find some helpful information in my blog articles and coaching offerings.
I’m on a mission to write about limerence, educate others and support clients who are going through it. I’ve found that many psychotherapists and mental health counselors do not know of or understand limerence from a lived perspective and may want to attach it to a DSM 5 diagnosis or pathologize it. Limerence can certainly coexist with or exacerbate mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression and OCD but the most important thing to remember is that it is a state of being in love - it doesn’t have to be treated as a disease. In most cases, relief from the negative aspects of limerence requires thoughtful examination and curiosity about who you are, your life before limerence, where you are now, what you desire, and what you’ve held dear to you as your ‘ultimate dream of mutual love.’
I’m many years out from my most dramatic limerence experience and writing about it from the other side is MUCH easier than when I was in the thick of it. The good news is there’s a light at the end of the limerence tunnel!
Here Are Six of the Most Misunderstood Aspects of Limerence:
1. It’s not just a “crush” or everyday infatuation
There aren’t enough words for love in the english language! This is why Dorothy Tennov coined the word Limerence to describe the state of Being In Love. Limerence is much different than a crush or infatuation in its intensity, tenaciousness, intrusive thinking, duration and all consuming feelings (emotional and physical).
2. Limerence doesn’t happen to everyone
This means that not everyone will understand what you are going through! In Tennov’s interviews and research, she came upon a clarifying fact that some people fall limerent while others may never experience it. The non limerent may have trouble understanding or feeling empathy for what you are going through. It may make no sense until you experience it yourself. Tennov says in her book Love and Limerence, “What I really had discovered was a certain state that some people were in much of the time, others in some of the time, but still others never in, or at least not yet.”
3. Love with shame attached
You may be judging yourself harshly for the way you are feeling and that you can’t control how you feel. The person you’re in love with may not know the extent of your feelings and to face any rejection by disclosing your emotions feels like too much to risk. You may be in a position where you’re not available to fall in love with someone else (you’re married, already in a relationship) and this can create a chasm between your loyalty to your relationship and what you’re feeling for someone else. For all of these reasons and more, you’re probably less inclined to seek out help or talk to others about it. Fears of being judged, not understood or being told to just “get over it” are real. In this way, your experience remains intimately yours and gathers more and more energy as a secret. It can start to eat away at your life and mental health unless you seek some support.
4. The lack of certainty heightens Limerence
What Dorothy Tennov found through her studies is that limerence is a particular state of being in love that often gains momentum and crystallizes from a lack of certainty and mixed signals from the love interest. A big signifier it’s limerence compared to other states of love is that you don’t feel comfortable disclosing how you feel, and you feel extremely sensitive to the risk of rejection. To that end, limerence is being in a state of being in love and also of not knowing. The strong feelings mixed with high ambiguity, uncertainty and insecurity can fuel longing and desire. It can prolong the feelings of passion, attraction, hope, despair and confusion. Not seeking out clarification if the feelings are reciprocated can also lead to limerence lasting longer than many other states of love. Sometimes the fastest cure to limerence is killing the limerent hope!
5. Limerence is not just about lust or sexual attraction
While lust and physical attraction can be a part of limerence, the main difference between lusting or being infatuated with someone and limerence is that with limerence the main goal is an uncontrollable, overwhelming desire to gain the confirmation of reciprocated feelings of love, attraction, desire and care from your love interest. It can feel like everything hinges on this. Your self esteem, confidence and mood can skyrocket or plummet based on signals (or lack thereof) from your love interest. There is an intense, overwhelming desire for reciprocated, mutual feelings of admiration, attraction, interest, love and care that don’t usually accompany attractions that are mainly sexual in nature.
6. Limerence isn’t “companionate love” but it’s still Love
Limerence can take hold when you don’t know a person very well at all, and in that case, it can mainly be a fantasy projection of who you think the person may be. You can fill in the blanks, so to say. But oftentimes, you can fall limerent with someone who you know quite well and their character and qualities are the reason you have fallen limerent in the first place. It could be a coworker, a friend, or someone you see on a daily basis where the feelings suddenly and quite unexpectedly turn into limerence. Limerence is not companionate or “affectionate bonding” love, but it doesn’t mean that the feelings you have aren’t real. Categorizing limerence as a state of mere fantasy or projection minimizes the experience of the person experiencing limerence and can cause even more distress and feelings of shame. Even if your love interest does not reciprocate, it’s uncertain, or the relationship can’t be consummated, your feelings are still valid and real.
Please check out my coaching offerings if you are interested in learning more about how I support clients going through limerence.
If you liked this article, please share any comments below or feel free to ask me any questions below or by sending me a private message.
Resources: Please check out Dorothy Tennov’s book, Love and Limerence - The experience of being in love.
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