The Three Stages of Limerence

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Limerence is an intense emotional state and experience of being “in love.” It may start out as a “crush” or “infatuation” but can move into an intense, involuntary, all-consuming state. Unlike mutual love, limerence can be a distressing one-sided affair of the heart, body and soul. You may not realize what is happening until you are up late googling “obsessive love.”

Here is an outline of the three phases of the lived experience of Limerence (source anonymous from retired Tribe Limerence):

Beginning*

You may be unaware of what is happening to you. 

Enjoying the pleasure and the rush. 

Fantasies start and take hold. Slipping further and further into it. 

Lots of good hormone rushes and highs but even the pain feels good. Giddiness. 

Very hopeful time, beginning to focus on confirming reciprocated feelings.

Planning how to see him/her, what to say, what to wear… slowly becomes an obsession. 

The questions we ask during this phase are: Is this love? Who is this magical Other person? Does s/he love me? How can I make him/her see me, love me, want me? Is s/he my soulmate? Doesn't this feel amazing! I'm alive!

*note that in the beginning, Limerence may be indistinguishable from a “crush” or “infatuation” but later takes on a higher caliber of intensity of feelings, involuntary thoughts and physical reactions outside the realm of a crush or infatuation.

Middle or “Peak”

Though it may be seen as the “peak,” it can be felt as the rock bottom. Battle between hope and despair that rips you apart from the inside. 

The feelings in this phase range from: "This feels amazing, this must be what LOVE is supposed to feel like…I feel so ALIVE", to "This doesn't feel so good anymore." to "This sucks!! It's eating away my life/marriage/brain!" 

Intrusive, involuntary thoughts and fantasies about your love interest. Emotional dependence on any signs of reciprocation. Highs and lows have completely consumed life, absorbing time, energy and interests. Family life, friendships, work suffers.

The obsession confounds you and you may even be embarrassed by it, but you sit in it anyway. 

The pain and the pleasure are equal. Confusion abounds. 

Anger directed at love interest or love object (LO). 

Lots and lots of crying from heartache. 

The questions we ask ourselves during this phase are: Why can’t he see he’s my soulmate? If he's so amazing why doesn't he want me? He really doesn't want me? Why does he play games with me? How did I get here? What has happened to me?

Final Stage

The climb out and self-discovery phase.

Feelings range from: "GET ME OUT OF THIS HELL!" to "Realization that he/she is human and everything beyond that is my fantasy projection", to "This still aches but I know I am doing it to myself and here are the important things I've learned/am learning about myself... " 

The pain overrides all pleasure. The fantasies even hurt. Struggle or quest to stop them begins. 

The obsession is now frustrating, not enjoyable. 

Anger directed mostly at self. 

You curse your limerent hope and wish it would die. 

You face the painful stark truth. 

Lots and lots of crying from growing pains and from the hope of reciprocity dying. 

Grieving loss – loss of old self, loss of love interest, loss of time/energy “wasted”, loss of old values/morals/ethics. 

Decision time. 

Healing and accepting time. 

The questions asked here are: How can I stop the pain? Why did this happen? What triggered this? What led up to this? Why this person? How do I get my life back? Do I want my old life back? Who am I now? What need was this fulfilling in my life? How can I meet this need in a healthier less dramatic (traumatic) way?

Limerence and Healing

Limerence does not need to be seen as a pathological experience. I see it as an opportunity for spiritual and personal growth, expansion, the opportunity to understand your capacity for love, and revel in the new energy (and creative energy!) that passion and desire ignites. It can be a sacred time that transforms your life in positive ways.

Further Resources: Love and Limerence: the Experience of Being in Love by Dorothy Tennov

Does this post resonate with you? I work intensively with a few clients a year one-to-one using a holistic 5 month (10 session) program I developed to heal and move on from Limerence. You don’t have to suffer alone or in silence. What’s the cost of trying to go this alone? Contact me for a sample session today.

xo

Steph