What is Limerence?
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Photo by: Cullan Smith
“Reason to hope combined with reason to doubt keeps passion at a fever pitch.”
“Was it an emotion, an attitude, a sentiment, a personality type, a neurotic manipulation, a way of looking at the world, a means of emotional manipulation, a sublime passion, a peak experience, a religion, a desire, a mental state, a perversion of thought, a biological urge, a type of mystical experience, a sacred state, a universal thirst, a glimpse of heaven?" -D. Tennov
Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, Limerence is word to describe a particular all-consuming and obsessive state of being in love. In her quest to discover more about this love experience that inflicts suffering on many, often silently, she wanted to know “what causes people to fall in love, whether some people are more likely than others to fall in love, and how we can help people who are unhappy because of love.” Tennov was particularly interested in the aspects of what was termed “love” that produced distress.
In the course of her study of Limerence, Tennov’s research uncovered that:
Some people can fall “limerent”, while others have never or may never experience the phenomena.
Limerence affects people of all colors, sexual orientations, sexual identities, cultures, and ages.
Limerence takes hold with intrusive, involuntary thoughts and fantasies that if not resolved over time can cause psychological distress.
It is a form of suffering that is usually hidden.
There is a sexual attraction element, but the main driving force of limerence is the intense and all consuming desire for confirmation of emotional reciprocation. Reciprocation or thoughts and fantasies of reciprocation can cause intoxicating, euphoric feelings. Doubts and mixed signals lead to intense emotional lows for the limerent sufferer.
Anticipation, longing and imagination (fantasy about the love interest and reciprocation of feelings) can feel more exciting and enlivening than real encounters which may be disappointing or cause distress.
In limerence, there is usually an element of unrequited love or a major obstacle to mutual love which fuels desire and passion. Painful feelings (mixed with guilt and shame) are pronounced when the sufferer is already in a relationship, married or the love interest is unavailable.
Insecurity and intense fear of rejection are hallmarks of being in the throws of limerence, as well as extreme nervousness in the presence of the love interest, physical “love sick” symptoms and involuntary thinking about the love interest which can cause mental and physical distress. In other spheres of life the sufferer may not experience these intense feelings or insecurities.
Limerence and Healing
In my lived experience with limerence and also as a professional life coach, I’ve found it’s not uncommon for clients suffering from distressing Limerence to seek out a therapist for help in overcoming the suffering that painful limerence can cause. Unfortunately, many therapists are not trained or educated about limerence or do not fully understand the phenomena and how to best help patients suffering from limerence. Clients have come to me for support after therapists have minimized their limerent experience as an “intense crush.” In all honesty, I personally had this experience in therapy as well, which motivated me to create a holistic program for integrating the limerence experience into your life in a way that is an expansive and enriching time of self-discovery rather than a ball of distress and soul-crushing confusion trying to go it alone.
Limerence does not need to be seen as a pathological experience. I see it as an opportunity for spiritual and personal growth, expansion, the opportunity to understand your capacity for love, and revel in the new energy (and creative energy!) that passion and desire ignites. It can be a sacred time that transforms your life in positive ways.
When I discovered the book Love and Limerence: the Experience of Being in Love, a wave of relief came over me. I urge you to pick up a copy of the book by Tennov if you are interested in learning more about Limerence.
Does this post resonate with you? I work intensively with a few clients a year one-to-one using a holistic 5 month (10 session) program I developed to heal and move on from Limerence. You don’t have to suffer alone or in silence. Contact me for a sample session today!
xOx
Steph
