Your Brain On Limerence

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Have you ever felt so madly, deeply, crazy in love that you couldn't sleep or eat, and your brain and body felt hijacked by the constantly intrusive thoughts and obsessive and all consuming longing for emotional and physical reciprocation from a 'special' other person? If so, Limerence could be the name to put on your particular kind of suffering.

Limerence is a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970’s that describes a particular all-consuming and obsessive state of being in love. Some have called it a crush, or intense infatuation. Having experienced it myself, I can say neither crush or infatuation quite nails it.

Limerence can quietly, and then not so quietly, unseat you at your heart, your soul, until you have found yourself in mid-air, like a skier learning to do new tricks, but then unsure of which way is up, or down. It can be exhilarating. Terrifying. Mind-bending, confusing, transformative. It can last for months or years. You might be searching for why it’s happening to you, how long it will last, or how to get rid of it!

Mutual Limerence might be seen as The Notebook or Romeo & Juliet idealized version of romantic love, when two star crossed lovers are enraptured in mutual I’d-die-for-you love together. More often, limerence doesn’t happen this way. One-sided Limerence is most common, with the sufferer in agony (and sometimes delight) wondering and looking for any signals that the person of interest has feelings in return. (Absolute highest bliss if YES! and lowest of lows if NO or reason to doubt).

Obstacles also play a part in heightening the intensity of limerence if you are married or otherwise unavailable for a relationship or the object of your affection is married, unavailable or uninterested. Battling feelings of shame as well as intense feelings of love and longing for reciprocation can feel like a special version of hell.

Let’s take a look into the science behind what’s causing your brain to focus in with all your attention on this one person over all others.

A Potent Neurotransmitter Cocktail

  • Your brain’s personal and unique love map has been storing all the big and little things you find attractive, familiar and even unattainable in another since you were very young. Your conscious and unconscious mind picks up on these certain cues you find attractive (verbal, nonverbal, sensory ie. visual, smell) from your LO (limerence object or love object). High levels of DOPAMINE & NOREPINEPHRINE are released, giving you that intense feel-good rush, attraction and the hyper focused drive and motivation to attain reciprocated feelings from the object of your affection. You can feel giddy, energized, excited, even weak at the knees and too shy to speak in the presence of your beloved. Wondering why you can’t sleep or eat? These hormones can often suppress sleep and appetite.

  • ESTROGEN & TESTOSTERONE kick up a notch and desire can feel off the charts. Your libido is supercharged and you’ve never felt so PASSIONATE or ALIVE!

The Opposite of Commitment

  • Levels of OXYTOCIN & VASOPRESSIN drop as dopamine & norepinephrine skyrocket. This can explain some of the anxiety and instability that can be felt during limerence. Oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) & Vasopressin are linked to feelings of commitment, connection and attachment. Oxytocin lowers blood pressure and the stress hormone cortisol. Without these hormones in steady supply, it’s like getting on an emotional roller coaster without any safety belt. Feeling intense feelings of overwhelming love without commitment, confirmation or reciprocation can feel exciting to some and torture to most.

Maybe you’re reading this because you’re curious or perhaps you’re looking for a cure.

I can say with all certainty that it WILL end. There will be extremely difficult days. There may be dark nights of the soul and you may be changed by LIMERENCE, but you will grow and evolve. You WILL come out from this on the other side.

If you would like some support as you go through this journey, I’m here to help.

CLICK HERE to schedule a quick 30 minute time to talk.

Warmly~

Steph