Are You Anxious In Love?
/
I didn’t know I had an Anxious Attachment Style in love and dating until I found myself divorced in my mid-thirties and dating partners with an Avoidant Attachment Style. I thought I was losing my mind! Suddenly I was hanging on, waiting for a text or a call for days with a knot of fear and despair building in my stomach. I started questioning my self-esteem after being breadcrumbed and ghosted. This was all new territory - I’d never been on the emotionally exhausting rollercoaster of hot and cold signals in my previous (secure) partnership of 17 years. I kept asking myself, What is going on? What is wrong with me?? Loving all things psychology related, I turned to the field of the psychology of Attachment and found out that I was on the spectrum of Anxious/Preoccupied, which was especially apparent in romantic relationships.
What Is Anxious Attachment?
You have a tendency to be anxious in love and dating; you worry a lot about your relationship, feel constantly anxious if the person you are with feels the same way. There is a deep concern that you will be rejected and you worry you will do something “wrong” to turn your date or partner off or make them disconnect or leave, and you may feel on edge all of the time and hypervigilant to any changes in your partner’s engagement or level of interest. And if you are with someone AVOIDANT, all of these feelings will get MAGNIFIED.
If you are ANXIOUS but with someone with a SECURE Attachment Style, your anxious tendencies may not be triggered as frequently because someone who is secure is better at being consistent and doesn’t play games. It may only be when you get involved with someone with an Avoidant style that you realize, like me, that your attachment system gets easily over aroused at the Avoidant’s need for space and independence as well as any threat of separation or loss, causing you to feel clingy, needy and insecure. On top of that, new problematic dating trends like being Ghosted, Stashed, Breadcrumbed, or Zombied can throw an anxiously attached person into a tailspin.
If you’re just figuring out that you are Anxiously Attached, all is not lost and you are NOT a weirdo.
In a society where we value independence and self-sufficiency, there are messages all around that being dependent on another is a BAD thing (it’s not). We’re biologically, from birth, wired to attach in order to survive. Having a reliable, secure and attuned caregiver helps us become SECURELY attached so that we can eventually go out into the world, be ourselves freely and take new risks.
Unreliable and inconsistent caregivers who may have been emotionally or physically inconsistent when we were young can cause us to become ANXIOUSLY Attached in our adult relationships. Inconsistent behavior from a caregiver, lack of attunement, combined with neglect or abuse can make it feel unsafe to attach and can lead to an AVOIDANT (fearful or dismissive) attachment style, or an Anxious/Avoidant combination.
Tips For The Anxious & Insecure in Love
Remind yourself daily that it is HEALTHY to depend on your partner for your wellbeing, just as they can depend on you for theirs. You can feel needy and clingy when your needs for safety, emotional attunement, attention, care, affection and security are not being met by your partner.
Learn to EFFECTIVELY communicate your needs. This means not expecting your partner to guess what you need or how you feel. Take a risk and express it. It can feel scary and vulnerable at first, but a healthy and secure partner will try to meet your needs and will be understanding. If you are rebuffed, your needs are minimized or you are made to feel bad or wrong (ie. too sensitive, overly emotional), you may be with an Avoidant partner or a partner who is not comfortable with their own emotions. Try not to take this into yourself as something wrong with YOU.
Begin to seek out connections with SECURE others (friends are a good place to start!) who have the following qualities:
Reliability (they call and show up when they say they will, no mixed signals)
Are good at communicating (responding to you and also telling you how they feel)
Can express many emotions (not just sadness, anger and happiness)
They call you and want to see you in person (not only text or email)
Can listen to you without judgment or criticism
Is comfortable relying on you and happy to have you rely on them in times of need
Someone who sees and supports your strengths
Is comfortable with being vulnerable and doesn’t push you away when you desire closeness
