Painful Love: When Loving Means Longing

Love just out of reach. 

Hoping, wishing for more.

Hanging on. 

The pain of basic relationship needs not met.

Maybe you’ve never been in a relationship where you felt truly fulfilled or loved. 

Or you’re drawn over and over to the just out of reach partner. The pain of longing can create a sort of intensity. A bittersweet passion.

It can also make love without longing feel bland or missing “something.”

Have you ever felt this way?

Maybe you didn’t do the chasing, you were pursued without ambiguity and it just felt off. Boring.

No SPARK?

Maybe the more attractive option was the quiet, stormy, brooding guy just out of range who would barely even give you the time of day?

If so, your attractors may be set to look for the pain of almost love, of longing, rather than the drama-less intensity of fulfilling and reciprocated love.

How did it get to this point?

If you trace back, you may notice that this is a familiar feeling.

Perhaps there was a parent or other important figure in your earlier life who seemed just out of reach or was not available. Did you ever feel like you had to work extra hard for attention, love or approval?

Was the love and attention offered only conditionally or sporadically? 

Your love attractors now look for love you can’t count on.

There’s more familiarity with love just out of reach and longing for more than with the feeling of getting your needs met and reciprocity.

You may also not be familiar or feel comfortable with asking for what you need.

Why? Because as a child, even if you asked for what you needed, there was probably a 50/50 chance your needs would get met.

So you turned inward. 

Love and romance became your private sanctuary where you could let your imagination go wild and free. You could feel all of the feelings without getting too hurt. The harder he or she was to get, the less risk of being known and having real needs. If you can’t get too close, there’s less risk of getting let down and disappointed if the love can never really fully come to fruition, right?

While you may be safer longing instead of in a relationship where you can be more open and vulnerable, you’re stuck. You can’t get your needs met in this place. It’s a circular and destructive cycle of frustration, heartache and unfulfillment.

What Now? You CAN Change Your Love Attractors.

It starts with getting in tune with your true needs and longing. You deserve more.

Here is an exercise you can try right now:

1. Get comfortable, feel your feet on the floor. Close your eyes. Take a deep inhale and slow exhale. Sit with where you are now. Ask yourself: What is your deepest longing? Your deepest need?

2. Where does the longing sit in your body? Your heart/chest? Your gut? Your back? Sit quietly and scan your body for feelings and sensations.

3. Acknowledge your needs. They are real. You deserve to have your needs met. Let this sink in.

4. Feel the aliveness of your whole body as you connect to your needs and desires. Where would you like to go from here?