Strange Attractors - Why Unavailability in Relationships Fuels Desire
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In my path to understand why some of us are drawn over and over again to unavailable relationships, impossible loves and unavailable partners, I came across a brilliant book called the Erotic Mind by Jack Morin, PhD. Sadly, Dr. Morin passed away in 2013. He contributed greatly to the field of psychology and sexology. While reading the Erotic Mind, I was struck by his psychology equation which can explain why we are turned on and attracted to some situations or people more than others, and in this case, unavailable partners.
The equation is simple: ATTRACTION + OBSTACLES = EXCITEMENT.
We’re all familiar with Romeo & Juliet. How about West Side Story? Dirty Dancing? Every single romantic film or novel I can pull to mind includes a major obstacle the characters must to navigate and overcome that increases the passion, desire and excitement.
In the story of our lives, obstacles can either stall us into submission and retreat, or give us the fuel to motivate towards our heart’s desire or goal. Who hasn’t ever gotten fired up about a challenge or taking the hard route?
In the realm of romance, obstacles seem to act as the spark that ignites passion & desire - and this can be very appealing and exciting, even if it’s with someone who does not match up as a good or logical partner for our long term relationship goals.
Some of us can get hooked on that mix of anxiety and excitement and call it …LOVE… even if we’re just chasing a high created by the excitement attraction + obstacles produces.
This leads me back to those of us who suffer from chasing after unavailable relationships, partners and impossible loves. Unavailability can come in many forms and is itself a major OBSTACLE that can create major interest, longing and excitement towards a partner or love interest, even if it seems, well, irrational.
For example, here are a few obstacles created by unavailability in partners:
love interest married or already in a committed relationship
love interest emotionally distant/distracted/gives mixed signals (emotionally unavailable)
love interest geographically too far away for in person contact (physically unavailable)
Major age gap
One sided interest
Do you find yourself magnetically attracted to unavailable relationships or partners?
Have you found yourself in one exciting but unsustainable or unfulfilling romantic situation after another?
If so, it can be worth looking at whether the obstacle of unavailability is playing a part in creating the excitement you crave in romantic relationships and keeping you on relationship rollercoasters.
We all want to feel passion, desire and excitement in relationships but a pattern of being attracted to relationships that are unfulfilling, painful or unsustainable due to unavailability doesn’t have to be your fate.
You can work with a coach or therapist and explore other possibilities for finding Attraction, Excitement + Love (minus the unavailability obstacles).
Have a comment or experience that resonates with this post you’d like to share? Please leave one below.
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xo Steph
