A Hidden Reason You're Drawn to Unavailable Relationships and Impossible Loves

If you’ve ever been in an unavailable relationship, you know (and I know) the pain can be agonizing.

I define an unavailable romantic relationship as one that is severely limited in three important ways.

1. There is emotional unavailability involved. This is a fear of getting close (INTIMACY) and using avoidance techniques to distance yourself from your partner emotionally or physically (or both), or to create distance as a buffer to help blunt your own emotions that may feel engulfing or overwhelming.

2. There are unbalanced desires for commitment, intimacy, and emotional investment between partners.

3. There are major OBSTACLES to the relationship which get in the way of mutual commitment, emotional investment and full relationship mutuality.

There are a myriad of ways in which we can get pulled into an unavailable relationship. For this post, I’m going to focus on one that hides in the shadows and may not be obvious….

Your Own Conflicting Feelings about Intimacy and Commitment

One reason you’re attracted to an unavailable relationship is feeling conflicted about intimacy, vulnerability and commitment. What’s sneaky about this, is that in your head you can be thinking BUT I WANT INTIMACY! I WANT COMMITMENT! But a level below, there’s something else going on. Fear.

It seems counterintuitive, but an unavailable relationship or partner can be a safer place to be than with a partner who is available and secure. Dating and relationships can feel like a landmine if you’ve been badly hurt, abandoned or betrayed.

So even if being with an emotionally unavailable partner or your limited relationship is uncomfortable and painful, you may be unintentionally fleeing or sabotaging more available relationships out of fear.

A partner who keeps you at a distance can be less threatening than one who wants you closer. You may be more familiar with the feeling and dynamic of “chasing” a partner for attention or affection you need and being in an emotional deficit or constant longing. You can even get addicted to the feeling of longing!

If attention is more freely given, or you don’t have to work hard for it, it can feel “smothering.” If you’re more familiar with longing rather than mutual love, people who let you down or are emotionally distant, being with someone available may feel somehow just not “right.”

Learning to Change your Emotional Attractors

Unavailable partners and impossible relationships can feel more familiar to you than being with someone more open and available. Your unconscious “attractors” can be especially good at picking out unavailable partners through body language, eye contact and even the words they choose.

An emotionally available partner may challenge you to be more vulnerable, take risks to be close and trust, and encourage you to step out of your safety bubble more than an unavailable partner, and this can feel scary.

Intensity-seeking and flits of fiery passion may feel more in your comfort zone than vulnerability, getting close and learning to trust someone. If keeping your distance feels safer than getting close, you can try out learning to be more vulnerable with a trusted friend and nurturing the intimacy within that relationship first.

The sexual element in romantic relationships can fast-track you to vulnerability, whereas with a friend, you can open up more slowly and build trust over time without the physical component. You can also benefit from working with a therapist or relationship coach to overcome fears around intimacy. 

Next Up: I’ll be covering why OBSTACLES fuel desire, limerence and impossible loves.

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xo Steph